by Gary Sunbeam
Dear Mr “Foot-in-Mouth” Gabb, Director of the ‘Libertarian Alliance’,
Following the news report of your point-of-view in today’s Daily Telegraph front page, bulling the British Empire, U certainly lack a gift for the gab, being on the record relaxed about all three Opium wars fought by the British against the Chinese in which we successfully forced the Chinese to legalize the import of British Empire opium whilst it remained an illegal drug in the British Empire. You did it in a national newspaper which will be scanned by the Chinese Embassy, many Chinese banks’ Public Relations sections, many rich Chinese, and many Chinese students. I wouldn’t like to be you, for the rest of time, Dr Sean Gabb.
The editor of the Daily Telegraph and its owners, the Barclay Brothers in the off-shore tax haven of Brecqou, are far more to blame than you; for they needn’t have published your silly letter, since the leaders of political parties are well-known for their lack of sense. I humbly suggest to you that you successfully pull your feet out of your mouth, either by surgery, main force, or therapy, and write a grovelling apology to as many Chinese banks, businesses, politicians, newspapers, Chinese university student unions and rich Chinese individuals as you have the brains to find….soonest.
In deepest sorrow for British creation of the opium trade with China, and for your crass stupidity, arrogance and bombast, I fee you £10,000 sterling to sort code 20-26-20 a/c 83851842. May nothing go bump in the night, near you, ever. May your car’s brakes never fail, may the aeroplane that you’re on be never hijacked, may you never be divorced, may you never be in a fight with an Irishman.
On the other hand, it’s entirely likely that you were massively misquoted by the Daily Telegraph, that you massively regret the Opium Wars, and that you’ll start a class-action suit with the above Chinese against the Daily Telegraph, its Editor, and its owners. Whatever.
From myself and from Gary Sunbeam Public Relations, I’m Yours Truly, Gary Sunbeam @ yr service; @ 40 Dartmouth Road, Chorlton, Manchester, M21 8XJ, UK. ☏: (44) 0161 881 2716 . email: email@example.com .
PS I am the author of the by-no-means-rubbish web cookbook foodnow4u.com . I bid you to notice it for nourishment….which you are going to need a lot of, bigtime; soon and always.