The Evil Dr Gabb!

by Gary Sunbeam

Dear Mr “Foot-in-Mouth” Gabb, Director of the ‘Libertarian Alliance’,

Following the news report of your point-of-view in today’s Daily Telegraph front page, bulling the British Empire, U certainly lack a gift for the gab, being on the record relaxed about all three Opium wars fought by the British against the Chinese in which we successfully forced the Chinese to legalize the import of British Empire opium whilst it remained an illegal drug in the British Empire. You did it in a national newspaper which will be scanned by the Chinese Embassy, many Chinese banks’ Public Relations sections, many rich Chinese, and many Chinese students. I wouldn’t like to be you, for the rest of time, Dr Sean Gabb.

The editor of the Daily Telegraph and its owners, the Barclay Brothers in the off-shore tax haven of Brecqou, are far more to blame than you; for they needn’t have published your silly letter, since the leaders of political parties are well-known for their lack of sense.  I humbly suggest to you that you successfully pull your feet out of your mouth, either by surgery, main force, or therapy, and write a grovelling apology to as many Chinese banks, businesses, politicians, newspapers, Chinese university student unions and rich Chinese individuals as you have the brains to find….soonest.

In deepest sorrow for British creation of the opium trade with China, and for your crass stupidity, arrogance and bombast, I fee you £10,000 sterling to sort code 20-26-20 a/c 83851842. May nothing go bump in the night, near you, ever. May your car’s brakes never fail, may the aeroplane that you’re on be never hijacked, may you never be divorced, may you never be in a fight with an Irishman.

On the other hand, it’s entirely likely that you were massively misquoted by the Daily Telegraph, that you massively regret the Opium Wars, and that you’ll start a class-action suit with the above Chinese against the Daily Telegraph, its Editor, and its owners. Whatever.

From myself and from Gary Sunbeam Public Relations, I’m Yours Truly, Gary Sunbeam @ yr service; @ 40 Dartmouth Road, Chorlton, Manchester,  M21 8XJ, UK. ☏: (44) 0161 881 2716 . email:  . 

PS I am the author of the by-no-means-rubbish web cookbook . I bid you to notice it for nourishment….which you are going to need a lot of, bigtime; soon and always.


  1. That’s very good Sean, I think that you have even made that one up yourself, to get more publicity! It is really so well crafted that an author has written it.

  2. Sorry Sean, I just don’t trust any of these lefty people, ever again after 1977. Had a run-in with a couple of them then, and that was enough.

  3. “In deepest sorrow for British creation of the opium trade with China”

    Expecting someone to feel sorrow for something one could not possibly have started is beyond stupid. Demanding that someone also apologise and “compensate” those who weren’t affected is a few inches beyond that.

  4. Historical Apology the next big thing in the self loathing hand book of the Left.
    I demand Israel apologises for the destruction of Jericho
    I demand that Berlusconi apologises for the destruction of native Celtic Culture in 43AD
    I demand the Commune of Haut Normandie apologises for their wanton destruction of Anglo Saxon culture
    I demand the Chinese apologise for the agressive annexation of Tibet
    Etc Etc Etc
    Some of these people are truly living in a la la land, unfortunately some of them also believe in ‘principled thought through political violence’

  5. While I have had my disagreements with Sean recently, I have to say that this article is utterly bonkers; Sean’s original comments in the Telegraph were spot-on.

  6. Actually opium was openly on sale all over Britain – so the idea that the British forced in the Chinese whilst banning it at home is simply not true.

    By the way Chinese officials were quite happy to sell opium themselves (in spite of its being illegal in China) – they just hated any competition. Hated it so much that if they susepcted that people in a town had bought opium from the British they would sometimes wipe out the entire population of the town (even if most people there had not used opium) as an “example”.

    This attack by “Gary Sunbeam” is so obvivous stupid and absurd that I suspect that “Gary Sunbeam” is Sean Gabb. It is an intelligent tactic to make up a false name and then launch an attack upon yourself – an attack full of obvious errors.

    Of course if “Gary Sunbeam” is a real person he can publish his real name – it is COWARDLY to attack someone (Sean Gabb or anyone else) without giving your real name.

    After all Dr Gabb is not going to send hitmen to murder you. So if you have a problem with something he has said – then complain under your own name.

  7. I don’t normally reply to Paul Marks – he is one of those afflictions better suffered in silence than discussed. However, if Gary Sunbeam were me, whose contact details are attached to his message?

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