By Daniel Jupp
In a surprise boost for a tourist industry hammered by covid restrictions over the last two years, British Prime Minister Boris Johnsonsky announced the creation of an entirely new form of luxury travel.
“I am proud, and I may say humbled as ever by the truly splendid excellence of the, quite frankly splendid, simply splendid, sine qua non, as the Romans would say, really first rate splendidness of this idea, this idea that I, that we, that my dear friend President Zelinskyy has had in partnership with us, which is to say, in the warmest spirit of mutualness. We have both, in our separate fashions, mine more humble than his, had this shared vision, this idea, if you like, of which I am extraordinarily proud, and which many very fine people have worked on, and I’m sure it will be a tremendous success and a well timed blow, a hefty blow at that, on the nose of that odious, repugnant Russian bear.”
Helpful civil servants at this point handed out explanatory notes interpreting the Prime Minister’s effusive remarks. The notes read:
We are pleased to announce the creation of a one trillion pound fund for War Tourism. We will gradually phase out those horrible two week holidays for relatively poor people on the Costa del Sol. But we will replace them with the entirely new travel industry of War Tourism, whereby both British and foreign world leaders will embark on whirlwind tours of places where they can create the conditions for World War Three. This will be entirely funded by the British taxpayer. Senior politicians will scout out potential war zones, visit secret biolabs, and be provided with a range of prostitution services. Opportunities for self aggrandising photos and images will abound, all wrapped in the illusion of doing something profound or courageous.
The War Tourism fund has already been used to fly President Zelenskyy to Britain, and to fly Prime Minister Johnsonsky to Ukraine. Both leaders declared the fund an enormous success. It is anticipated that with a busy schedule of future wars to instigate whilst blaming entirely on Russia, the Fund will quickly match pre-insanity revenue streams from fat Northerners in Benidorm buying chips and condoms.