One of life’s little mysteries, right up there with why the BBC still exists, is how my name found its way onto the Conservative Party’s spam list. Did I make an unwise donation during a bout of heatstroke? Did some desperate intern trawl through old Spectator subscription lists from the era when it was still semi-readable? Did the local MP sell my details in a backroom deal to cover his latest expenses scandal? Regardless, the result is the same: I’ve been sent this condescending, intelligence-insulting drivel about ‘Conservative foreign policy’—an oxymoron if ever there was one. Here it is:

Dear Marian,

Today Kemi Badenoch set out the principles that will guide a Conservative foreign policy into the 2030s.

The world is rapidly changing. We may soon be returning to a world of the strong and the weak.

And in such a world, Britain must not be weak.

Our national interest must always come first. And we mustn’t be naïve because international law isn’t going to protect us from regimes that don’t respect it.

We need a nation that believes in itself, and doesn’t raise our children to despise our country.

We must stop repeating the mistakes of the past and react decisively to threats rather than showing weakness.

We must end the empty slogans. Human rights platitudes don’t stop invasions; strength does.

Finally, we need to rebuild our military now. We need to significantly increase defence spending. And we need to develop better weapons and fix our broken procurement policies.

We do not know what the world will look like the next time the Conservatives are in government.

But the above tried and true principles will guide what we hope to do in Government. And how we’ll be a constructive opposition to the current Labour Government.

Help us be a strong voice for a serious foreign policy by rejoining the Conservative Party today.

Nigel Huddleston MP

Co-Chairman of the Conservative Party

P.S. You can watch Kemi’s speech from today here.

Kemi Badenoch, we are told, has outlined the principles that will guide Tory foreign policy into the 2030s. That’s a bold claim for a party that will probably implode before the next election. However: The world is rapidly changing, we’re informed. We may soon return to a world of the strong and the weak. I presume they mean the strong being the United States, China, and Russia, while the weak is a country that can’t even get its roads fixed or police to investigate burglaries.

And then the punchline: “Britain must not be weak.” No kidding. You wouldn’t have guessed that from the fourteen years of Conservative rule, during which national defence was treated with all the urgency of a half-hearted New Year’s resolution. The last time the Conservatives took military preparedness seriously, we were still calling Moscow the Soviet Union.

“Our national interest must always come first.” Marvellous. Would this be the same national interest that saw Britain involved in an endless string of pointless wars, defending American hegemony while reducing its own military to a glorified Scout troop? Or the national interest that handed control of key infrastructure to China while parliament was too busy debating whether misgendering someone on Twitter constituted a hate crime?

“We mustn’t be naive because international law isn’t going to protect us from regimes that don’t respect it.” Ah, so after decades of worshipping the ‘rules-based international order,’ the Conservatives have finally discovered that the rest of the world doesn’t particularly care about it. Unfortunately, this realisation has come a little late. The British military is now so threadbare that it couldn’t successfully invade the Isle of Wight, let alone deter real geopolitical threats.

“We need a nation that believes in itself, and doesn’t raise our children to despise our country.” Absolutely. Would this be the same Conservative Party that was in power between 2010 and 2024, and did nothing to halt the ideological capture of schools and universities? The same party that funded institutions teaching children that their country is an irredeemable cesspit of oppression? Bold stance, lads.

“We must stop repeating the mistakes of the past and react decisively to threats rather than showing weakness.” Yes, reacting decisively—such as having ministers deliver sternly worded speeches in Washington before promptly asking Joe Biden’s permission for everything. Let’s be clear: Britain spent the years of Conservative government leaping headfirst into every idiotic American adventure while gutting our own defences. The real mistake was outsourcing our foreign policy to a senile old man in the White House.

“We must end the empty slogans. Human rights platitudes don’t stop invasions; strength does.” This would be much more convincing if it weren’t coming from the party that spent years grovelling to Saudi Arabia while lecturing everyone else about ‘values.’

“Finally, we need to rebuild our military now.” Oh, now? After a decade and a half of defence cuts, suddenly, the Conservatives have discovered that a strong military might actually be useful?

“We do not know what the world will look like the next time the Conservatives are in government.” A moment of rare honesty. Given their trajectory, we can be fairly certain that the Conservatives won’t be in power again this side of the Second Coming.

“And how we’ll be a constructive opposition to the current Labour Government.” Yes, much like a mildly irritated sheep bleating at a passing wolf.

“Help us be a strong voice for a serious foreign policy by rejoining the Conservative Party today.”

Absolutely not. The Conservative Party spent fourteen years proving that it had no principles, no courage, and no ability to govern. This letter is just another feeble attempt to dress up their record of failure as something resembling a plan. A party that spent over a decade surrendering the country’s sovereignty, crippling its economy, gutting its armed forces, and overseeing the slow-motion cultural demolition of Britain is now asking for support on the basis that they will—one day, at some point in the undefined future—take the national interest seriously.

Not buying it. And I’d very much like to be taken off this mailing list.