A Torch for this Age of Decline

When I was a boy, torches were mostly exercises in disappointment. You inserted a fresh set of batteries and were rewarded, briefly, with a beam of respectable brightness. Within minutes, however, the light began its inevitable decline. White became yellow. Yellow became orange. The heroic ambitions of reading under the bedclothes ended in squinting misery. The battery manufacturers assured us their products contained boundless reserves of power. Reality showed otherwise.

It is therefore with some pleasure that I report the arrival this morning, as a birthday gift from Bryan and Sebastian, of this Shadowhawk torch. I opened it, expecting another example of modern consumer fraud: a flimsy plastic tube wrapped in absurd claims and destined for a drawer of unwanted gifts. Instead, I find myself wholly impressed.

The first thing to say is that this torch is bright. Not “500,000 lumens” bright, because that figure belongs to the same category of truth as Soviet tractor production statistics or ministerial promises on immigration. The Chinese manufacturers responsible for this device have plainly decided that ordinary exaggeration is insufficient. If they claimed the torch could illuminate the dark side of the Moon, one suspects they would regard this as admirable restraint.

Fortunately, reality is more than adequate. Numerous purchasers have independently noted the absurdity of the official specifications while also agreeing that the torch itself performs remarkably well. The beam is powerful, clean, and useful. Though I have not tried, it surely lights paths, gardens, fields, hedgerows, and distant objects with an ease that would have seemed magical when I was young. One reviewer observed that he accidentally appeared to be signalling aircraft. Another described it as a “handheld lighthouse.” These descriptions are comic, but not entirely inaccurate.

The build quality is also surprisingly good. It feels solid in the hand. The aluminium casing has a reassuring weight without becoming burdensome. It is not one of those modern products that seem designed to survive only until the warranty expires. Indeed, it appears robust enough to survive being dropped, kicked, or otherwise subjected to the ordinary treatment that useful objects receive from their owners.

Charging is simplicity itself. The use of USB-C means that the torch can be recharged with the same cable used for many telephones and other devices. This is a small point, perhaps, but one that deserves praise. There are few things more irritating than discovering that some gadget requires its own unique cable, obtainable only from a warehouse in Guangdong or from a website that vanished three years ago.

The controls are sensible enough, though not perfect. The torch always powers up at maximum brightness, which is probably what most users want. Various lower settings and strobe modes can be accessed if desired. Personally, I regard strobe functions much as I regard karaoke machines. Their existence is not necessarily harmful, but I cannot imagine wanting one.

As for the famous zoom function, it works, though I doubt I shall use it often. At full width the beam provides excellent practical illumination. Narrowing it introduces some distortion, but this seems a minor complaint. Most owners appear to leave the torch in its wider setting and forget about the zoom altogether.

What strikes me most, however, is how this modest device illustrates the extraordinary progress of technology. Here is a torch costing less than twenty pounds – yes, my dear young benefactors, I did look it up on Amazon. It is rechargeable. It fits comfortably into a pocket. It produces more useful light than equipment that would once have cost many times as much. Even allowing for inflation, it is vastly superior to the torches available during my youth.

This is worth remembering. We live in an age when professional pessimists spend their days explaining why everything is becoming worse. Some things certainly are. The quality of government has collapsed. Public institutions often appear to be run by people selected for their inability to perform basic tasks. Yet technology continues its quiet advance. Ordinary people now possess tools and conveniences that would have astonished their grandparents, and that manage to astonish me.

There remains, of course, the question of why Chinese manufacturers insist on attaching absurd claims to products that are already perfectly capable of selling themselves. One reviewer put the matter well. If the torch genuinely produced half a million lumens, it would probably melt in the user’s hand before illuminating the next county. The underlying product is good enough without the nonsense. By lying extravagantly, the manufacturer merely creates unnecessary suspicion.

Still, this is a forgivable vice. I have encountered far more serious dishonesty from governments, banks, universities, regulators, broadcasters, and public health authorities. Compared with the falsehoods routinely offered by our governing class, claiming that a torch emits 500,000 lumens seems charmingly innocent.

In conclusion, this is an excellent purchase. It is sturdy, bright, rechargeable, not to mention highly convenient, and inexpensive. I will keep mine beside the bed, where it will serve the increasingly important purpose of guiding me safely through those nocturnal expeditions made necessary by advancing age and an increasingly insistent bladder.

The manufacturers may lie about the specifications. They may lie shamelessly and with enthusiasm. Yet the torch itself remains a fine piece of kit. In an age when so many products are worse than advertised, it is most refreshing to encounter one that turns out to be rather better.