David Davis

The “South Downs” has just joined the Litany of Lands nationalised in the name of “jobs”, “local people”, and “ramblers”.

The idea of the “rambler” was created by Jim Hegel, (or it might have been Rickie “the people’s person” Engels”) as we all know, as a proposed form of entertainment for his friend Marx, for the times when Marx was not fathering boys on his wife’s serving-maid, in North London.

Nobody who lives there will from now on be able to do anything at all, except supplicate to “Natural England” about the particular shade of white paint to do his windows and doors in. They’ll also have to host thousands and thousands and thousands of parties of comprehensive-school “learners”, doing “Geography Projects” about “Are the South Downs a Honeypot?” and “What is the effect of traffic congestion on the South Downs?”